20 Years of Marriage and Counting…
A long, long time ago there was a 19 year old girl who was ecstatic to have landed a part-time job as a bank teller. The pay and hours were far superior to that of her previous job at the mall, giving her more money, more free time, and an easier schedule to manage while also going to college full time. The position was split between two bank branches, one located in an idyllic small town she immediately fell in love with, the other 5 miles north of town in a rural area more reminiscent of her far-away home town. The rural branch only offered drive through service, and she quickly learned the schedules and routines of the usual customers. One customer, in particular, caught her eye – he drove a Jeep and would arrive every Friday around 1:30. They rarely spoke beyond the required business chat and, if they would venture beyond that, she would kick herself later for not being as cute and charming as she wished she were. Often once this customer drove off, she would hop on the inner-bank chat and message her friend who worked in another department about the interaction. They soon started referring to him as “Cute Jeep Boy” or “CJB” for short. After several months of these weekly messages, her friend suggested she make a move: what could it hurt beyond the embarrassment and complete mortification she could suffer? After weeks of cajoling, she decided she would make her move. The plan was to write a note with her phone number and place it in the bank envelope along with his cash. With shaky hands she scribbled a note that said something to the affect of “I’d love to talk more. My phone number is….”. Her friend who had hatched the plan beamed with excitement and her parents thought she had lost her mind, but CJB called the next day. They talked for hours every day for a week. And then they had their first date on April 29, 1999. And then they got married on May 29, 2004 and have lived happily ever after…
But its not that simple is it? The first part of the story truly was that easy and magical – of course there were nerves and anxiety and butterflies and all the things that go along with the start of a love story, but a 25 year love story…a TWENTY year marriage is not simple. Merging two lives together takes work, there are the mundane annoyances of living with another person; figuring out how to cohabitate is work. A life together also comes with hardships so tragic you could never envision when you’re 20 and 21…or even 25 and 26 – the losses so great they are still hard to comprehend – grandmothers, a parent, a sibling, pregnancies, a lifelong best friend, beloved aunts. There, too, are the immense gifts and joy you could never possibly imagine until they become reality- the birth of children, watching those children grow and thrive and live and laugh and getting to share those things with the one you love most. Words truly can’t do it justice.
I’ve been writing this in my head for weeks, struggling with the right way to phrase it all. How do you share how your love has grown and changed and intensified over two decades of marriage? Brian and I have now been together longer than we weren’t. On that late April evening of our first date, I was 20 and he was 21; today as we celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary, I’m 45 and he’s 46. Of course we remember the time before we were together, but really we were still just kids then. Our entire adult lives have been spent together – we are entwined in each other’s stories of adulthood, because truly it is OUR story. We still laugh about how we met, we still joke about it with my friend, Dale, the one that came up with the plan. It was one of the most daring, craziest things I have ever done, to put my phone number (which was technically my parents’ phone number) in a bank envelope of a guy I knew virtually nothing about at that point. I knew where he worked, what car he drove, and how old he was (and technically how much money he made and his social security number), but I had no idea if he had a girlfriend or would be interested in me. It was all just a hunch and a dare I couldn’t say no to trying. And thank heavens I did. What an amazing life we have built together so far! We are all guilty of thinking about how things would turn out differently if we made a different decision at any point in life – but I have never reconsidered putting that note in Brian’s bank envelope and every thing that has transpired since.
Celebrating on this day – our day of May 29th – has been tinged with sadness for the last 16 years. On our 4th anniversary, my favorite father-in-law passed away. (I was also his favorite daughter-in-law). Ironically the year he passed, we had celebrated on the 28th like some weird premonition of what was to come. For several years after Larry’s passing, we continued to celebrate on the 28th – so much so that a few people close to us, still send their well wishes on the 28th. In the last few years, though, we decided to reclaim our day – of course their is still the sadness of missing Brian’s dad and a little of the gut punch of losing him on our anniversary still remains, but we think he would want us to have our day.
As I meander through my day, I keep thinking back, as I often randomly do, about 20 year old me. I was at the tail end of my sophomore year of college. I had just changed my major. I had no idea where my life was going. What gave me the courage (or insanity, depending on how you look at it) that day to write that note? It was a small moment that forever changed the course of my life. I’m eternally grateful for Dale and her crazy ideas. But mostly, I’m forever grateful that Cute Jeep Boy called and that I have gotten to spend the last 25 years and eternity to go with him. Life can be messy and crazy and hard, but it’s mostly beautiful because I have him by my side through it all. Happy 20th Anniversary to the love of my life.
