Seven Years Is a Long Time Without Your Best Friend
Every year, I wake up on March 5th feeling tired, a world-weary, grief-stricken kind of exhaustion that seems to be reserved specifically for this day. This year just feels so weird – seven years since Heather passed feels so long, yet the emotions from those initial days after are still so very raw when I give them space to resurface. When I think about all that has happened in seven years, its hard to comprehend that she hasn’t been here to witness it. Its so strange to think I’m in the midst of planning Zoe’s high school graduation party and Heather won’t attend. Even after seven years, that still feels so unbelievable.
The world as we know it has changed dramatically in the seven years since Heather’s passing. Not only have I thought about this countless times, I’ve written about it before (https://tryalittlebitharder.com/six-years-is-a-long-time-without-your-best-friend/). I have thought about Heather more in the last six weeks than I have in the last year. She is always lingering there in the back of my mind, but lately she is at the forefront every single day. I just keep finding myself thinking “what would Heather think about all of this.”
Heather was a social worker for the Social Security Administration. She lived to serve others – particularly those less fortunate than most. We often talked about her job, it did provide some good stories! But it also brought with it a lot of frustration for how the system was being run. Heather did see a lot of waste, fraud, and abuse of the system – but not at all how its been thrown around lately. She most certainly did not see millions of 130 year olds receiving payments from SSI. What Heather saw was an epidemic of disadvantaged folks learning to “play” the system, generations of families that made full time jobs bettering their lives via social programs. One story that has stuck in my head for over a decade now, is that of a woman who had children (I don’t recall how many anymore, but it was more than one) receiving disability benefits, each had a diagnosis of ADHD and/or were on the Spectrum. The woman arrived for her annual benefits meeting and was very obviously pregnant; during that meeting, the woman asked if they could begin paperwork for her unborn child’s benefits because she knew it would be autistic, too. I think most people are aware autism is not diagnosed in utero. The purpose of these benefits was supposed to be for services to benefit the child’s development – in this specific case that is not how the funds were being used. Heather knew this from many conversations with the mother.
Heather’s frustration was not just with the loopholes in the Social Security system, but with society in general. She was enraged that there were no better options for some Americans due to factors completely beyond their control, such as where they were born, the color of their skin, lack of educational opportunities, etc . She fully understood why people took advantage of the system, but she hated that they had no better options. For every one of those frustrating meetings Heather experienced, though, the majority of cases, were for those fully deserving of their benefits. While she saw obvious flaws and loopholes in the system, she also saw the good it did for the elderly, for a young mother widowed far too soon, for the disabled and so on.
I just keep thinking how she would feel about all of this – what she would think. I’m absolutely certain she would be angry. She’d be pissed that a chainsaw was being taken to a system that in reality needed a fine tooth comb. Heather adored her coworkers and she would be terrified of what would become of them should their jobs be cut. She loved her clients, the elderly and children, in particular; she would be livid at the possibility they could lose their income. Heather and I grew up in a small town, our grandparents worked hard, but when they retired, they depended on their monthly social security checks to survive. These are the people Heather thought about when she went to work every day.
Heather was a bleeding heart – not a bleeding heart liberal as some like to coin the phrase – but rather she was an empath to her core. She cared deeply about the world around her – people, animals, the environment – it all mattered to her. I guess those on the far right would consider her “woke”. She felt like everyone should get a fair shot at the American Dream. Let’s face it, many Americans are born at a far greater disadvantage than others keeping that dream out of reach. She cared so much and she truly loved her job. I just keep thinking she would hate all of this even more than I do. (I’m not sure there are words to describe how much I hate all of this.) I keep imagining the texts we would have going back and forth. I keep thinking of her worrying about her clients and her coworkers, how they would survive should their benefits or employment be cut. And it all just sucks. It all comes down to this, I miss her terribly and I’m really freaking sad she isn’t here to talk about all of this insanity. It never gets easier to mark another year without her.
As is life, my friends have shifted and changed some – over the last year in particular. Its a little strange to think I now have friends I talk to regularly who didn’t know me when Heather died – yet, they cared enough to check in today. One asked what she could do to be there for me – and that, just that, was enough. Another asked me to share something I loved about her. Letting Heather’s story live on, having people empathetic enough to ask about her, and willing to listen to the response. That is enough. Thank you for that – you have no idea how much it means to me.
And to my dearest Butthead – I don’t even know anymore how or why that nickname even started – I miss you and I love you and not a day goes by that I don’t wish you were still here.
