Six years is a long time without your best friend
I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately. They change and morph throughout our lifetimes. As many of you know, I started this blog after the passing of my lifelong best friend in 2018. Heather and I met in kindergarten, I literally don’t remember a time when I didn’t know her, and there are few memories throughout much of my life that she didn’t play an active role. In some ways the last six years have always felt a little strange without her – there are always those things that aren’t the same with anyone else. It was a daily struggle for me in the months after Heather died. (My words from shortly after she died can be found here.)
About a year after her death, I stumbled upon a LinkedIn article about the most popular class at Yale University for several years running, titled “The Science of Well-Being” instructed by Dr Laurie Santos. Dr. Santos is a cognitive scientist and professor of psychology at Yale. The premise of the class is retraining our brains to trust what will make us happiest. I did a little research and found I, too, could take this class without enrolling at Yale. Coursera offered the class and for a nominal fee I could print a certificate upon completion of the course. Obviously, I wanted the certificate saying I completed a Yale course!
After I signed up, it took me a while to get rolling with the class. Something in my brain just wouldn’t let me move forward. Eventually, though, I put time in my calendar every week and I dove in to the coursework. I quickly learned why the class is so popular! The science of the brain as it relates to happiness is fascinating. At that point in my life I definitely needed those lessons. I was still struggling at times to “feel” happy after Heather’s death – and not feel guilty about it. There was also an awkward-ness at times connecting with friends. Its hard to put into words, but I always felt like an odd ball – like “oh there’s Annie, her best friend died by suicide”. These thoughts were likely only in my head, but they were real and true. Dr. Santos’s class really helped me fight some of those negative thoughts and help restore true joy to my life once again.
Things got weird and hard again about a year later with the onset of the pandemic. Life got heavy, we all slipped into a funk. As I was working from my car one day during my daughter’s gymnastics practice, I stumbled upon another LinkedIn post about Laurie Santos – she had launched a podcast called “The Happiness Lab”. I quickly subscribed and found it was just what I needed to help straighten my perspective again.
The world moved on, things slowly made their way back to “normal”, life got busy once again, and I retreated to my old habit of listening to audiobooks in the car. That is until a few months ago when I had completed a book, and hadn’t yet downloaded a new one. I decided to see what podcasts were sitting in my library. Low and behold there was a new episode of “The Happiness Lab” and the title grabbed my attention: “Text a Friend…Right Now!”. I started listening and was fascinated by what I heard. I won’t give away the details, its definitely worth the listen! Just a few days earlier, I had posted something about Heather on Instagram which prompted the kindest message from my friend, Paula. Her message reached me at a time when I was feeling a little sad, and it reminded me that I do have other friends who care. Its easy to forget that simple fact in the chaos of life. After listening to the podcast, I reached back out to Paula to share just how much her message meant to me. And I vowed to do a better job of reaching out to other friends whenever they pop into my head. I’ve done a pretty good job of texting people when I think of them. You never know what someone else is going through – or just how much they could be touched by your simple gesture of saying “hi, I was thinking of you”.
Its hard to believe its now been six years since I could text Heather. So much has happened in life – so much in the world – it is still hard to grasp at times that I can’t just send her a text. The number that was once hers is still saved in my phone – where it will remain forever. I can’t bring myself to delete it. I still feel sad when I hear a Peter Cetera song – some days its just a pang, others its a full on gut-punch. Sometimes I feel jealous when I see other friends with their childhood best buds – not in a bad, unhealthy way, just in a “I really miss Heather” kind of way. I’m so grateful for all the friends I have in my life, but it will never be the same. She was my person, the one that knew all my secrets and fears and weird phobias from every phase of life and still loved me just the same. As I told Brian recently, I’m fine about 360 days/year, but when it comes to the days around the anniversary of her passing, her birthday, the first crisp, sunny, fall Saturday…those days are hard. I’ve decided its ok to feel it, to shed a tear, to continue to grieve for what I miss on those days, because they are truly the hardest. And after 35 years of friendship, I don’t think there is any other option than to give myself grace on those days -as much as my brain tells me I should be OK, my heart isn’t and I’ve finally come to terms with that.
In honor of Heather’s memory, please reach out to a friend you haven’t talked to recently. Check in on your people. Freely tell your people you love them. Be kind to everyone you encounter, you just never know when someone is having a shitty day because they can’t help but be reminded of something that happened on that very date many years before…
