This Song Reminds Me of You

My daughter recently bought a sweatshirt that says “this song reminds me of you” on the front. It was a limited edition “drop” – she set an alarm on her phone to remind her when it went on sale, it was a serious, stressful effort to make that purchase. And all I could think is “why do you want that particular over-priced shirt?” But then I started thinking about all the times a song reminds me of a specific person, place, or time in my life. For instance, when I hear “Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keys, I think of driving Zoe to my parents so we could go to the hospital and deliver Zara. It was sleeting, the roads were icy, I was in labor, Brian was white-knuckling the steering wheel trying to get Zoe to my parents and me to the hospital in time. That song came on the radio and Zoe was belting it out. It was such a sweet, perfect moment in such a stressful situation – my little firecracker of a 5 year old in the back seat – and the little one inside, fighting her way into the world. I’m not sure there is a better theme song for my girls than that one. I occasionally well up when I hear that song, even now. Every single time I hear “Hollaback Girl” I’m immediately transported to a warm July night way back in 2005, riding a scooter with Brian around Key West – and I think of his amazing ability to mess up lyrics and make me cry laughing. Have you ever had tears fly from your eyes to your ears because you were laughing so hard while riding a scooter? That’s what I think of every time I hear that song. And when I hear “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper, well, honestly I cringe because I know Zara is going to SCREAM the chorus and I have to mentally prepare myself – even when she isn’t in the car with me. 

Music has this keen ability to connect us to places, times, and people from our past- for me this is almost always a good thing. Sometimes, though, it throws me a curveball. This past weekend Brian and I snuck out for a quick date night. Our plan was to hit a few of our favorite bars in town. We walked into the first stop and the sound of a Tom Petty song rang through the air. Tom is one of our favorite artists. We ordered beers and before we were even served, the singer had moved onto the Monkees. The MONKEES! One of my childhood favorites! This guy was amazing (@jt_horne_music on Instagram)! He played songs from Neil Young, Cat Stevens, Willie Nelson, Cage the Elephant – you name it. Finally someone asked if he could play Dave Matthews (my hands down all-time favorite artist) and without skipping a beat, he launched into “Grey Street”. I kind of froze for a moment. Of all the Dave songs this guy could play – Grey Street felt so random. Its not Dave’s most popular song by far, for casual Dave fans, they likely don’t even know it. But for me, its one of my absolute favorites. This isn’t a song that reminds me of a person or a place because of a shared moment -this song reminds me of my best friend because of the lyrics. I don’t actually know what Dave was thinking, or what his intent was with the lyrics when he wrote it, but what I think of when I hear it is Heather’s struggle with depression and anxiety, and how much she suffered and how she fought like hell to overcome it. I allowed myself a moment while I listened to the artist play the song, and happily moved on from it, as he transitioned to more amazing covers (Rod Stewart, The Grateful Dead, he really was spectacular). We enjoyed the music so much, we ended up just staying at that first stop. 

The next morning I opened “Dave Matthews Radio” on Pandora for the first time in months – its been so long it initially opened to Christmas music. And then “Grey Street” came on. I kind of had one of those “holy shit, what is going on” moments. I shared this with Brian and another dear friend – both commented something to the effect of Heather being with me. I embraced the moment, mentally thanked her, and tried to move on, but the feeling lingered. 

That evening as I was making dinner, I put on my Fleetwood Mac “Rumors” record. When it was over I went searching through the record collection to find something else and discovered Chicago “17”. Most of the records we own I’ve purchased from our local record store (shout out to @lititzmusicco) and they are almost all records I grew up listening to – Rumors, Glass Houses, Born in the USA, The River, Hotel California, etc. My parents were’t Chicago fans, nor was I, save for “Look Away” -what a great ’80’s ballad. Heather, however, was a MASSIVE Peter Cetera fan. I’m sure the Chicago record belonged to my late sister in law, we have several of her records, but I don’t remember ever seeing it before. In that moment when I found it, I felt Heather. I know it sounds hokey, but it was like she was right there. I couldn’t help it, I had to put the record on…and about 30 seconds in I remembered I don’t really like Chicago…but I had to listen for a little while. And then it hit me – Heather’s birthday is March 22nd. I guess she was trying to remind of the promise I made to her (and myself) when she died. 

Life has not been easy for us these last several months and I had stopped writing, literally, I haven’t even been journaling. I’m not going to lie, its been a struggle. The words just haven’t been coming to me -until I heard those songs and suddenly they were flooding into my head. I had several blogs mostly written last summer – life happened and I couldn’t finish them. And then it went so long that what I had written was no longer relevant. I got frustrated and did what so many of us do when life gets tough – I shut down a little, dealt with what was in front of me, and everything else went to the wayside. I’m fighting hard to get things back on track now, and whether its all in my head or not, I feel like Heather was nudging me, sending me stark reminders of our friendship to encourage me to get back on the right path. So here I am, trying a little bit harder today to get myself going again. 

Happiest Heavenly Birthday, my dearest Butthead. I love you and I miss you every single day. Thank you for the memories and the music and for being as an enthusiastic music lover as me with just as little musical talent. And for the record, “Circle in the Sand” is still a blah song.