Trying to Remember Gratitude in the Midst of Chaos
Last week got heavy for me. As I looked back over the posts I wrote shortly after Heather’s death, it began to weigh on me again. And while I feel it is so important to make other’s more aware of suicide and its devastating impacts, I also cannot let those consequences pull me down. While my intent was to keep posting things, life got a little busy and a little subconsciously I stepped away from posting. I thought about it a lot, but didn’t do anything beyond that. The title of our blog is my life’s motto, I will try a little bit harder every day to achieve my goals. As I promised to Heather the day I learned of her death, I will do my best to prevent this tragedy befalling anyone else. Will this always be the subject of our blog, absolutely not! But will it be a recurring theme? YES!
With all that said, I have noticed lately that despite my current lack of employment, and obvious stress about finances, figuring out cyber school, and all the other chaos in the world, I have felt happy. Happy like I haven’t felt in a long time. I’ve started taking control of the things I am able to control – very much unlike where I was six months ago when this insanity began. I have let go of the things I can’t control. I’ve stopped living in a constant state of panic. Shortly after I was laid off I felt lost. The constant race of what had been our lives came to an abrupt halt, everyone was home ALL THE TIME…the news was terrifying…all of it was just too much. I stopped functioning normally. I would work out with Zoe, I would shower, and then I’d stare at my phone or read a book. Yes, I would make dinner, do laundry, all those mundane things, but it just wasn’t the same. I had no idea how to function with literally no routine to our lives. Or rather I COULD NOT function. I tried to make a routine, but everyone else revolted. We were all struggling with the sudden change. And while things are no where near our old normal, we do have a sense of routine back to our lives. I’m no longer literally terrified to go anywhere (remember when we thought COVID was going to get us from touching ANYTHING?!). The girls have a gymnastics schedule again which gives them something to look forward to and gets us all out of the house (although I did love saving all that money on gas). Brian goes to the office every other day. And we have school albeit on a computer – but it comes with a schedule and required attendance. All of these things have put a little routine and motivation back into our lives and for that, I am so thankful!
I’m putting my focus on the things that are within my control and I feel as though I’m gaining confidence and focus by the day. And with this confidence I’ve gained a true sense of peace with myself. Am I exhausted by the end of the day? Hell, yes! Am I still worried about not working? Do I worry the kids will continue to revolt about cyber school every few days? Of course. But instead of letting the stress and fear take over, I focus on what I can do every single day. I’m returning to gratitude and reminding myself of the small victories I win every day. We get one life – we only live each day once. I’m done wasting them away with worry, fear, and stress.
